POMONA (PP) – After months of silence The Post has cracked the undergound Appliance crime spree and has brought swift justice to the kingpin of the MAC (Major Appliance Crew). For two years, crimes against plumbing fixtures (also known as PFs) alone and unattended were on the rise. After an arrest and subsequent interrogation the trail led straight to a refrigerator known simply as — Maytag.
An interview was attempted with Maytag, but he coldly pleaded the 5th. A jury of 3 locals who happened to be hanging out at Trackside Auto Repair, for no other reason than to slow down the workers, sentenced Maytage to at least life behind bars. State and county authorities stated that a case like this could be handled on the “even more local” level and trusted the judgment of those just standing around with nothing else better to do.
For now, Maytag is behind bars and it will soon be decided whether or not he should be unplugged. With President Obama’s new energy bill likely to pass, it may become too expensive not to pull the plug on Maytag. Only time will tell.
Maytag waits for his final punishment.
Hopefully this will bring an end to the murders and tensions between electric appliances and plumbing fixtures will ease. Washers clearly say they are hoping such is the case. Parents fo the murdered washing machine in the previous story stated, “Maybe we can fit in again. Being both electric and plumbed it’s hard because some on both sides don’t accept us. That was the case for our son. Maybe his tipping won’t be in vain. We just can’t believe it was his cousin, the dryer, who did the hit!”
Photo of the parents:
Parents of deceased washing machine.
As new residents of Pomona, we breathe a sigh of relief. Several of our own appliances join us in voicing their appreciation at the swift and fair judgment afforded in this case.
West Inghouse said “Now we can stop running all the time.” His cousin, Jenn Air, also expressed her gratitude. “As a high-end appliance, I know I’m more vulnerable to attack from thieves and murderers,” she whispered. (We heard some snickering and snorting from Electro Lux at this. The two are always yanking each others cords.)
That said, the exhibition of Maytag does seem like cruel and unusual punishment. Public flagellation and the use of stocks were banned a century ago.
PS: Glad to see the rumors regarding the demise of the Post are unfounded. Well written prose is hard to find.
Thanks so much for your great and much appreciated reply! It’s good to hear that the appliances can rest…for now.
While justice served is never perfect, at least it is served. Constitutional rights have yet to be granted to appliances, but that fight is for a later day and a more worthy media outlet. (As if there are any.)
Point well taken. Women didn’t get the constitutional right to vote until August of 1920. Similar constitutional rights for refrigerators, stoves, dishwashers, microwaves, washing machines, dryers, etc. are eons away.
Looking forward to another edition of the Pomona Post.
Thanks to the local authorities who worked so hard for so long on this case. We can now rest at ease thanks to them and the news release by the P.P. I only know of one resurrection that has ever happened but maybe those appliances who lost their loved ones can take them to G.E. – afterall they do bring good things to life!