Toilet Missing…Others Found.

POMONA, Mo (PP)–In a shocking turn of events, the unnamed toilet featured in last week’s article has inexplicably disappeared without a trace & 3 others have been found–dead. The spot once occupied by the freedom seeking pot now sits eerily empty as a testimony to the hazards that can befall an unprotected toilet alone, by the road. For this john, freedom did not come without it’s dangers and now investigators are saying that after turkey season, they will begin to trace the events surrounding its disappearance. There is much speculation, particularly among the regulars at Conley’s. (A local watering hole where one can get the latest word on the street.) “This toilet made some enemies, not the kind you want to make, and a search probably won’t turn up nothin’. I think he’s done,” was the reply of one man while filling his truck, using only a red rag for a gas cap. Despite fears of the worst, a Kohler alert has been issued for the missing toilet. Anyone seeing a toilet with a green tank cover & strangely out of place is asked to contact the FBI.

An even bigger development turned up in the hunt for the missing toilet as 3 others were found, missing the water that once animated their now lifeless porcelain. The volunteer fire department also serves as the volunteer police department, and one regular said, “We found ‘em just like this. It appears they were lined up and tipped over…execution style.” A preliminary investigation points out that they may have been killed somewhere else and left here to mislead investigators. Pomona’s water expert Juan Teddy Sweet shared his insight telling the post, “Being that there were no pools of water, marks or spots of damp earth near the toilets probably means that they were dumped here and left like we see them now. This no doubt was a professional job. There are no scrapes where the bolts were removed. No boot marks of any kind. You’d think they were fine until you get up close.” All clues were wiped off, apparently leaving those in charge with little to go on. They do say the perpetrator may have slightly stained water splatter marks on their lower pant leg and shoes.

“This reminds us all that it is no longer safe just to leave your toilet sitting around like we did 20 years ago. Things have changed,” articulated a somber neighbor who tearfully identified the toilet with the blue pad on the far right. More and more the things that were thought only to occur in large urban areas are being seen in the far away places of rural America. It’s also a sobering image of the many overlooked risks for toilets in the pursuit of sun & freedom. The question remains, is better to be bolted to the floor in a narrow confined space, or is freedom worth its inherent dangers? Unfortunately, these toilets can’t answer that question.

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