Tensions Between West Plainsians & Pomonians Rising

POMONA (PP) – A war of words ratcheted into a full-blown scuffle in the Conley’s parking lot as an argument over which town could rightly claim ownership of a recent earthquake (which was incorrectly attributed to West Plains in the local media). The earthquake occured on Monday morning, Aug. 29 at 4:49 a.m. It measured with a magnitude of a mere 2.9, but it’s after effects may carry on much longer as a local news media source gave credit to West Plains for the earth shattering event. While the Howell County News located it precisely at quote, “10 miles south-southeast of Willow Springs, 9 miles north of West Plains and 13 miles southwest of Mountain View.” The only real damage the earthquake has caused thus far has been to Pomona-West Plains relations.

Conley's Parking Lot

Most would identify that area as Pomona, but so far the media has refused and that has left the issue to be settled by arguments, name-calling and scuffles. “We’re thinkin’ a full-blown fight is eventually gonna happen if someone don’t come out and decide this issue…and it ain’t West Plains cause 9 miles north of West Plains ain’t West Plains,” stated one witness of the scuffle. “These two boys kinda got loud and pokin’ fingers at each other after going on for a bit after this Zizzer fella started braggin’ about their earthquake the other day. An ol’ Pomona boy went to set him straight. It ended up with that Zizzer fella slammin’ the door on his truck and sprayin’ gravel in the lot, but he knows who’s right.”

Unfortunately the incident only increased tensions rather than easing them. At the table in Conley’s one curmudgeon seated between a gadabout and a braggard fears one day West Plains will take over Pomona if action isn’t taken now. In a concerned tone he said, “They already claim the airport. What’s next? If we don’t do something we’re goin’ to end up like them rural schools and be sucked into West Plains.”

For now tensions are high, but if cooler heads prevail the issue will most likely disappear. Should something cause the issue to flare up the most drastic talk is that of a hay bale barrier set up at N Hwy. and U.S. 63 to prevent anyone from West Plains having access to Pomona and its various amenities. This would force West Plainsians to drive all the way to the confusing tangle of exits at Willow Springs who’s only real gas station/convenience store is a one-holer with a McDonald’s attached.

A press release from a man walking down the railroad tracks read, “All we ask is that we keep our earthquake and are rightly identified as owners of this natural event.”

Case Closed!!

POMONA (PP) – After months of silence The Post has cracked the undergound Appliance crime spree and has brought swift justice to the kingpin of the MAC (Major Appliance Crew). For two years, crimes against plumbing fixtures (also known as PFs) alone and unattended were on the rise. After an arrest and subsequent interrogation the trail led straight to a refrigerator known simply as — Maytag.

An interview was attempted with Maytag, but he coldly pleaded the 5th. A jury of 3 locals who happened to be hanging out at Trackside Auto Repair, for no other reason than to slow down the workers, sentenced Maytage to at least life behind bars. State and county authorities stated that a case like this could be handled on the “even more local” level and trusted the judgment of those just standing around with nothing else better to do.

For now, Maytag is behind bars and it will soon be decided whether or not he should be unplugged. With President Obama’s new energy bill likely to pass, it may become too expensive not to pull the plug on Maytag. Only time will tell.

Maytag waits for his final punishment.

Hopefully this will bring an end to the murders and tensions between electric appliances and plumbing fixtures will ease. Washers clearly say they are hoping such is the case. Parents fo the murdered washing machine in the previous story stated, “Maybe we can fit in again. Being both electric and plumbed it’s hard because some on both sides don’t accept us. That was the case for our son. Maybe his tipping won’t be in vain. We just can’t believe it was his cousin, the dryer, who did the hit!”
Photo of the parents:

Parents of deceased washing machine.

Major Break in Toilet Murders!

In the face of criticism and pressure to mass produce articles containing “fluff” stories about celebrities and reality show dancing competitions, The Post has refused to bow to pressure.  For months, an in-depth investigation has led to further information and a possible arrest in the execution style deaths of several porcelain pedestrians.  In a story run last year, The Post was the only major news outlet to carry the strange events surrounding the mass execution style tipping of some toilets and a missing one which until that day had been seen by many witnesses in public.

Investigators, a group of about 2 transients with an interest in forensic science, had run out of clues and the case was cold.  Some would say colder than a brass toilet on the shady side of an iceberg, but that was considered insensitive considering the victims.  The case warmed up when a passerby took a photo of a murder in broad daylight.  A washer, locally known as M-Tag, bumped-over two victims but has refused to come forth with a motive.  One victim was a washer, an appliance by use, but the other victim was a sink. Because the sink is a distant relative of toilets, the investigators now think this was an effort to tie off loose ends.

The actual footage of the latest killing as it happened.

For years, the Major Appliance Crew has been involved in a concerted path of genocide against plumbing fixtures. (Also known as “the PFs.”)  The question of a power struggle has been ruled out since only the appliances have cords and the PFs rely on an underground network of metal and plastic pipes.  A local electrician has been hired to “interrogate” M-Tag and according to Pomona law, any means necessary is allowed in the case of appliances as long as they are not connected to any power source.

Stay posted for any further developments as they are certain to happen as the case is heating up.

Stimulus Package Gutted By County Government

POMONA, MO (PP)-In our previous story (Pomonans Await Economic Stimulus Package) we detailed an aggressive stimulus package hammered out by the two leading political groups in Pomona.  With the additional backing of the main player in Pomonian politics, the Water Dept., it seemed as if better days were surely in store for Pomonians of all races, creeds and truck preferences.  It all came to a screeching halt when a local woman went to collect the free water offered by the Water Dept. from a local pot hole, which was also designated as one of the free swimming areas.  Arriving with tin pail in hand, she was not only shocked to find no water after an evening of heavy rain, but also to find the pot holes filled.

A local with a Bachelor’s degree in Trivial Subjects thinks that this can only be the work of the county government.  When asked why he felt this way he stated, “Well, the county fixes the roads.  This is their way of sending a not so subtle message as to who really holds the power around here.”  True.  Not only was the pot-hole filled, but the county actually used real asphalt to fill the holes.  The county government has flexed its might and with one fell swoop the stimulus package was gutted.  Pomonites can rest assured that the county won’t fix all the pot holes, but these are symbolic of the tyranny which can befall a small municipality that gets out of line with the powers that be.  To be sure, the county rules with an iron fist and the only freedom we have comes from what they allow.  This serves as a reminder.

When asked if the water department will do anything to make up for the loss of the water in these potholes, Juan Teddy was unavailable for comment because he was updating his facebook with new apps. He returned our call later with this message which we report verbatim, “The benevolent hand of the water department has tried to supply local peasants…er uh customers, rather…with all the free water that the board will allow.  The potholes were a grand gesture of the love we feel for all Pomonans.  Were we to do any more, it could threaten the supply of water to not only Pomona, but those other less important parts of the county which depend on us for all their hydration needs.  We may consider allowing people to collect run-off from their downspouts if only one is used for such purposes…but that is to be discussed later.”

The battle for power, both perceived and actual, continues in the central part of Howell County.  Can anyone get the county to relent from its iron fisted rule?  Howell-Oregon Electric could, but they’re already tied in with two county governments and alleged to possibly be calling all the shots behind the scenes.  One thing is certain: The little guy will keep getting stepped on and used. Whether its powerful government forces or big water, the little guy can’t win.  At least we still have free use of the restrooms at the Conoco.

Pomonans Await Economic Stimulus Package

POMONA, MO (PP)-Dozens or more, possibly even a couple more than that, are waiting anxiously by their mail boxes in anticipation of the Pomona economic stimulus package. The bill, which had been debated by both parties, was approved after a last minute “tire burn out” on business 63 settled the issue of whether or not to allow the Twin Lakes district (east on N Hwy) to be included. The Conleycans, represented by Mane Shayberry, lost the issue to the Conocrats, represented by “Spot” Bigtick, when Mane’s truck had to be taken to Trackside Auto before competition could commence. “Spot” was by default the winner, which ensured that the Twin Lakes district would be included, even though they don’t pay into the Pomona Voluntary Taxation Provision System. They do pay into the local water department which is needing funding due to lack of prompt bill payment by over half of the district.

The stimulus package includes: 1.) Free water from the water department, provided it is gathered from “run-off” or pot-holes. Juan Teddy warns Pomonans not to get water from the large puddle by the railroad crossing, but lagoons should be o.k. in limited quantities. 2.)Pizzas @ Conley’s on Friday night for $5. 3.)Free swimming in the potholes on County Road 1510 and at the intersection of County Road 1390 & St. Rt. N. Others require a nominal fee charged by locals. 4.) Free use of restrooms and Horse Trader magazines at Conoco.

Both parties agree that these stimuli will offset gas prices and bring back some life into the local Pomona economy. Despite his defeat due to poor vehicle maintenance, Mane Shayberry pledges to continue to be a large part of the Pomona economy. Mr. Shayberry stated emphatically, “Where else would I go? Pomona has so much to offer compared to my home town (Hutton Valley) and the people are so much nicer!”

Pomona Airport, Secret NATO Airbase?

POMONA, MO (PP)–Allegations that NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization)has been secretly using the Pomona airport as one of it’s main bases of operation has ignited protests and demonstrations from a man who recently joined Greenpeace by way of a $5 donation. For years questions have surrounded the strange white cone near the runway. Officials claimed it was “guidance” to assist pilots land their planes safely, but the Greenpeace representative claims that it is really a mini nuclear missile silo. Suspicion has been heightened by NATO’s refusal to answer any questions regarding the installation in Pomona simply claiming, “We have no information about that location. Would you please quit calling?”

For years the airport has been named the West Plains Municipal Airport. Though West Plains is 10 miles away, the designation is alleged to be a ruse by which anyone seeking to spy on the location would waste days looking for the location. A source close to the operation has revealed that it’s possible NATO has been operating under the code name: Air Evac. The doors on the hangars are a good way to hide from view all secret activities.

The reason Pomona is a prime location for NATO is that it is no where near the Atlantic thereby making it even more secret & less predictable. Also it is positioned closer to the Pacific than the other bases. If a group of countries tries to start NPTO (North Pacific Treaty Organization), they will be able to intercept and prevent it from happening and maintain their monopoly on military treaties based on oceanic proximity. As of now the Indian Ocean is up for grabs, but apparently no one cares.

Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Greatest Hit Originally Written as “Sweet Home in Pomona”

POMONA, MO (PP)– A startling discovery which is sure to make waves all the way to the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame has been unearthed by a local gadabout. This new information not only sheds much light on the history of rock music, but also the enchanting mystique of a little town called Pomona.

Edward Vanhagar planned on taking the secret to his grave, but the combination of anti-depressants and the inability to keep anything confidential led him to swing by The Pomona Post in his t-top Trans-Am, just narrowly missing oncoming traffic because of a loose tie rod. “One day I offered this dude who was walking down the road a ride. It was Ronnie Van Zant, whom I didn’t know at the time, and he said he was was traveling the country looking for inspiration. He asked me to look at some words he’d written for a song. I told him it would never make it.” Eddie said he’s been too ashamed to tell the story for fear of everyone knowing he ruined Pomona’s chance to be the subject of one of history’s most popular rock songs. He also acknowledge he ruined what could have been a riff with which all Pomonans could identify, regardless of race, creed or tire size.

Here are the lyrics Eddie tearfully handed The Post on an old rumpled piece of napkin.

Big wheels keep on turnin’
bringin’ my home down highway N
bringing the other half tomorrow
Just can’t wait to settle in

Well, I heard Mr. Rogers sing about her
Well, I heard ol’ Fred wouldn’t come to town
I hope Fred Rogers will be remembered
As a guy who never had a frown
CHORUS

Sweet Home in Pomona
Where the potholes come and go
Sweet Home in Pomona
City-boys won’t understand

In Conley’s store they love the corner
Now we all ate what we could buy
two half pound burgers covered with french fries
do i smell like I would lie?
Now, smell the truth

CHORUS

<RIFF>
Now, half our trucks look like stompers
and they’ve been known to lose a part or two
my Ford breaks down sooo much
I wish I had a Chevy, too.
Now how ’bout you?

CHORUS

Sweet Home in Pomona
There’s no four lane here yet
but they’ll put one in I bet
Sweet Home in Pomona
Pomony I’m coming home to you
Howell county’s got the answer.

Even though too much time has passed to get the song’s lyrics corrected, a possible “tribute band” headed by Edward is planning on recording the original version and selling it on iTunes.

Secret Photos Reveal PMW’s New Line

POMONA, Mo (PP) — After working incognito for 2 months at Pomona Motor Works’ highly secretive division of design and development, one of our top reporters has escaped with pictures of PMW’s new line of off-road vehicles. Despite tight security, barbed-wire fencing and a thick growth of honeysuckle our reporter managed to get 2 seconds where a photo could be taken of this elite line of motor conveyance. Known world-wide as being the producer of some of the best performing vehicles, PMW has always guarded its projects with utmost secrecy. These are the first photos ever taken before the company’s intended release of a new line.

“I was hiding in the brush while on a security detail. My partner (all security officers work in twos for added security) was adjusting his contact lens and the man mowing the area around the vehicles had just gone by. That’s when I snapped a picture with the camera built into my fake nostril. It looked like a nostril to most, but it was really a 10 MP camera. I think hiding the camera was the toughest experience over the last two months.”

Industry analysts have agreed that the new design seems loosely based on AMC Jeep designs from the 70s. Speculation is that they are being positioned to compete with PMC’s (Pomona Motor Corporation) “The El Longhorn.” They also appear to be designed in a type of “patchwork” pattern where each vehicle, instead of having one color design as they have since their invention, will come with more in an effort to help couples compromise when buying a new car.

In a response to the photos, PMW Chairman Bill S. Preston thought the design and new line would be “most triumphant.” Despited being disgruntled about the candid photos he offered, “We know the public will be delighted when they finally get to drive the new PMWs which handle both gravel and paved roads with ease.” Rumors abound that they even hit several of the potholes in Pomona during a discreet evening test and the driver reported barely feeling a thing. So, Pomonans, be ready for the new “ultimate driving machine.”

Man Sought By FBI also Wanted by Pomonan Officials

POMONA, Mo (PP) — Thousands of Pomona residents were surprised to find in their mailboxes, an opportunity to make $10,000 for information leading to the capture of a man wanted in connection with a foiled attempt at sending a mail bomb. For some, that would be enough to fix their Ford pickups and keep them running for a couple of years. But the quick capture of the man has also shattered the dreams of many would be vigilantes as some talked of resurrecting a modern day baldknobber gang.

What has been missed in all the hooplah surrounding the attempted mail bombing is what has left Pomona’s leading officials in a state of concern. As smaller news sources such as The West Plains Daily Quill and NBC affiliate KY3 continue to tout Donald Schamber’s crime (alleged) as trying to mail a bomb, the Post and other locals didn’t miss the obvious. Those who actually looked at the picture picked out one interesting detail. HE’S ILLEGALLY PARKED!!

Local Pomona statutes consider that a hanging offense, followed by a $50,ooo dollar fine. If this happened in Pomona, Mr. Schamber will likely plead guilty to all federal charges to avoid extradition to Pomona where he would be tried by a council of the wisest of Pomona’s local gaffers. If found guilty here in Pomona, there would be one appeal followed by a hanging and a festival, which according to statutes requires all to wear knickers and shoes with buckles.

Some believe the crime did indeed happen in Pomona because on the same day the bomb was discovered in West Plains, several witnesses called in reporting that Sonny Bono was illegally parked. One man called in and reported Father Guido Sarducci leaving in an illegally parked white truck. Some think officials should investigate Fr. Sarducci simply by studying the photos supplied by the Postal Inspection Service.

Until more is discovered, The Pomona Post will not rest (as we sometimes are in the habit of doing) until the crime of illegal parking is discussed by the FBI.  If anything, this will bring attention to a problem which clogs Pomona’s roads, businesses and federal building.

Pomona Rumored to Receive WNBA Franchise

The rumor mill started to turn after an exploratory committee from the WNBA (the women’s version of the NBA) visited with a group of men who claimed to represent Pomona at a private table hidden by store shelves in Conley’s. The mystique was added to by a veil of smoke which added privacy for the meeting. Though nothing official has been released by the WNBA, sources close to the Marlboro protected meeting say it’s a done deal.

Of course, plans for a place to play have been completed. It was decided that the court of local resident Bill Collinswake would be best since it has a large area of gravel and a nice backboard. Obviously, the town will spring for a new net. It was felt that having only one goal would appeal more to WNBA fans’ interest and would also be more fitting for the pace of the game. With the rim being only about 8.5 feet tall, it will likely serve as the location for the WNBA’s Slam Dunk competition. A set of stands seating 30 people has been donated from an abandoned sale barn which increases the likelihood of Pomona’s team being the only one in the WNBA to fill at least 1/2 of it’s capacity on any given evening.

Team names are being talked about, but most likely fans will be cheering for the Pomona Fescue with the mascot being a powerful stalk of fescue grass jumping over the water tower poised for a dunk. Why Pomona? WNBA officials think Pomona is one of those rare kind of towns which would get behind a WNBA team and show some interest. Some feel it’s because Pomona lacks another professional sporting franchise. But, there were previous efforts:

1. Locals tried to get a PBA tournament scheduled using the lanes from old 63, but the idea wasn’t even considered by the association.

2. The Breeders’ Stray Dog Show. Pomona was a heavy favorite until the committee felt that Pomona would have much too strong a home field advantage. Instead, it was located in Hutton Valley.

3. Then there was the idea for NASCAR to host the Pomona 100 where drivers would drive the length of N Hwy. and back 15 times. No response was given by NASCAR. But, one man who “sort of” knows Tony Stewart thought it still might happen because his cousin’s uncle mentioned it to Tony who appeared to like the idea by the smile on his face. So, buy your tickets now!

The Post is looking forward to having a sports section devoted to the WNBA. Go Fescue! Beat those Lynx!